Tuesday, March 9, 2010

No!

Dear Solicitors-who-show-up-at-my-door EVERY FREAKIN' DAY (ever oh so conveniently when I am breastfeeding my son, and whose ring of the doorbell or knock at the door cause my two dogs to bark uncontrollably and attempt to break through our window screens),

You are driving me crazy. No. NO! NO!

I do NOT
want to purchase your waffle iron, floor cleaner, port-a-potty, lawn service, body waxing kit, magazine, home security system or Encyclopedia Britannica.

I do NOT care if it cooks up the best damn waffles in the world, makes my floors shine like the roof of the Chrysler Building, is a convenient outside alternative to peeing on a tree, saves me the hassle of mowing my own postage stamp sized yard, creates pain free, smooth legs (yea right!) without the inconvenience of shaving, offers me a free candle if I sign up for a 36 month subscription, is better than my current security system AND comes with free installation or will make me smarter than Ken Jennings.

NO. It does NOT matter that 20 of my neighbors (who I don't even know!) have just purchased whatever the hell it is that you are selling. I am not a follower. Let them waste their money. I don't care! Now go away. Leave me alone.

Or I will let my 60 pound dog barge through that window screen and chase you and your Encyclopedias down the street as you pee your pants. Maybe you should go find the guy selling the port-a-potty. I bet he'd cut you a deal.

Sincerely,

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