Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Love

Last night Jason and I watched Toy Story 3 for the first time.

I think I cried for the last 15 minutes of the movie. Stupid Disney and their heart-touching animated creations! (I really don't think it helped that I'm pregnant and extremely hormonal either....)

But, it really got me thinking. About so many things. But, really about Aidan. About the fact that he is going to grow up.

That he IS growing up. Right before my very eyes. And I can't stop it.

I'm so glad that he is healthy, intelligent, independent and strong-willed. But, at times I wish he wasn't.

Sometimes I wish he was that little baby that would take three hour naps while lying on my chest just so that I could hear and feel his breath. The little boy who I wore in a sling, close to my heart, all of the time. Who always wanted to be near me. Touching me. Making sure I was there.

Yes, he still loves his Mama. Today at the Children's Museum he ran around like a maniac, playing with his friends and having a good old time. About every 5 to 10 minutes he'd make his way back to me, climb on my lap and give me a hug.

I know he loves me. He lets me know all of the time.

But, one day that love will change. He won't want me like he does now, like he did as an infant. My role will change. Other things, other women, will take priority. It's a hard pill to swallow.

I've also been thinking about Baby Number Two. About how my love for that child will change me and my relationship with Aidan. Will it?

Because, honestly, I can't imagine loving a child the way that I love Aidan. Loving a child as much as I love Aidan. It seems impossible.


I would never be able to put into words the love I feel for my little man. It's a love like no other I've ever felt. A love so strong and deep that at times it's impossible to comprehend.

I know that parents of 2 or more children love all of them differently. But do they love one more than the rest? Do they bond with one more than the others?

As the middle child of seven, I will honestly tell you that there were times in my childhood where I felt ignored. I was independent, a lot like Aidan is. My parents didn't have to worry about me like they did with my sisters. I always seemed to manage. But, I craved their attention. Their love and affection. I was oftentimes jealous of my siblings, wishing that I got the attention they did. It hurt.

I don't want my children to feel that way. I want them to know that I love them equally. More importantly, I want them to feel that I love them equally. But, what if I don't? What if I do love Aidan more than the others?

Does this happen? Is this a real fear?

I guess for now all I can do is love my little guy. Let him know everyday how special he is to me. Take the time to read him his favorite book over and over and over. Give him kisses and hugs. Chase him in the sprinkler and play catch when he asks.

Afterall, he won't be this age forever. And I know that the day will come that he won't want to spend this time with me.

But I will always love him. More than he will ever know.

(BTW, I realize that I'm overly emotional right now... I completely blame this on Disney. 100%. Oh, and on my hormones, too. Oh and I'm linking up with Shell today!)



4 comments:

  1. I could have written this post. First let me say, I watched Toy Story 3 a few weeks ago and went through the same thing. I had to keep swallowing the big lump in my throat. Also I come from a family with seven kids and felt what you did. I think that's why I'm constantly squeezing and slobbering on my boys. When I was pregnant with my second, I cried for my first. Worried that I was bringing too much change to his perfect existence. It was hard for the first few months because I didn't feel as intensely for the baby as I did for deaglan. But it grew and now my heart holds them both equally. I'm cuckoo for both of them! Loved this post!!

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  2. Oh, that movie makes me CRY!!!

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  3. I feel the same way every time I see this movie and it is my little ones FAVORITE movie!!

    Following from PYHO!

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  4. Toy Story 3 made me cry too. I had just had Brennan when I watched.

    Our posts are eerily similar. I will say this though, you will love them differently, even if #2 is a boy. So much has to do with personality. But you will love them equally. There may be times when they don't feel equally loved (I think Cate already feels that when I have to hold Brennan to feed him and therefore have to tell her that I can't hold her at that moment), but you will know you do love them equally. And it is more than they'll ever know for sure.

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